Compassion

I don’t like that it always takes me so long to really find the time to write these texts. I guess you’re all already bored of me complaining that I don’t have enough time for writing or don’t write enough or whatever it is I find this time. But I want to explain why. Why I want to write more often.

When I arrived here I was used to Jini’s way to handle horses. I had seen a way to be with horses with almost no pressure. No expectations. And then I came here and people were working with their horses again. I have never been a friend of Natural Horsemanship. But this contrast made it look even worse to me. I saw/see now even more how much we use horses. In everything we do with horses we make them do what we ask. And in Natural Horsemanship the idea of leadership is presented as something positive. Something you NEED to have if you want to have a “friendship” with a horse. And because it is so important to be the leader it is okay to use pressure to make the horse follow and be submissive.

Well, I don’t agree with that. I think a friendship is a relationship with two EQUAL parties. Not one telling the other one what to do, where to go, what expressions to have on his or her face.
Seeing this (in my eyes false) theorie being taught to the kids from kids camp made me hate it even more. Seeing wrong ideas spread. I hated Natural Horsemanship even more than before and I hated the people who taught it because they did so.

This was basically my state of mind for the first weeks. I was happy that I already had a return ticket, that I already had a date I can look forward to. I only need to stay here until then. Only 20 days left, only 19, 18, ...
There were good times here, when I just went into the herd and sat with them. Just spend time with them. And I really liked the kids from the camps and the other helpers I met here. And sometimes we did fun things with the horses. But that was not quite it. That was not quite enough to make me feel good here. It was okay, but not really good. And I often didn’t feel very welcome and stuff like that.

I came to the conclusion that the reason why I’m here might be to experience that life can’t always be good. It can’t always be the perfect place to be. That I need to learn to work through it, accept it and try to learn and enjoy anyways.

But then things changed. I got used to this work, I guess I wasn’t as sensitive to it anymore. But this is only a little piece to it.
What is probably the biggest part is that I started to realize that the work is meant well. That the intention behind it is a good one. They want to give the horse a better deal. Better than in the “traditional“ horse world. I don’t think it really is a good deal but that doesn’t matter. Nobody does that on purpose. Nobody wants to do something bad to the horses. Everyone is just trying his or her best. And they think it is the best way. I got to know the reasons behind it. I got to know the “why“. It helped me to unterstand it and to accept it.

I came across a blogpost by Ren Hurst (www.rendermewild.com) and in it there was this line:

“There is no way to be angry about something ‘out there’ that doesn’t also still live inside you”

And it reminded me that I need to look inside. That I need to look at myself when I get triggered. The triggers are the guides, they are mirrors. We only get triggered by things we haven’t dealt with for ourselves, things we haven’t worked through ourselves. It is a problem that still lives inside of us. Not only in them. Because when we are in ease with these things for ourselves, than we will forgive them in others. Then we will be able to look at them with compassion. Than we’ll see why and understand it instead of fighting it.

And that is what I did. I got compassion for it. I understand that people want to keep others safe. And I understand that they think this is the only way to do it. I understand now, that they are trying their best. Just as I do. They might make mistakes, but so do I. I shouldn’t be so hard on them only because they make different mistakes than I.

And from that point it got better. I still don’t agree with lots of ideas and principles of Natural Horsemanship. But I realized that there are good things about it. That it is not black and white. And that it is okay to be on that part of your journey. I don’t want to say ‘oh, they are just not there, yet‘. ‘There‘ where I already am. No. It’s not a competition. It’s not to compare. We are just at different places. None is better none is worth.

And see, now again, I wrote a post that seems as if my life always makes sense. It ends on a good note again. On what I learned from the difficulties I had. It puts the focus on the great outcome. Yes, I kind of like that because that’s how I try to live. Stay positive, see the good things in everything and learn. But it paints a picture that doesn’t really show the downsides of my journey. There are time when I don’t know the why, there are time where I can’t stay positive.
If I would have the time to write more often I could end on a bad note from time to time. Which would be interesting to read when I look back.