I had to think about the idea to take on an observer position of your own life. To simply become aware of it all.
On the one hand I can understand the concept that becoming aware and keeping distance only creates the possibility to make your own, independent choice.
And on the other hand I want to take my thoughts and emotions seriously. I don't want to detach from them. That'd seem like dissociation to me. Consciousness itself cannot be the purpuse of our existence though, can it? An awareness that is completely detached from our body and spirit and the experience. That wouldn't make sense to me, why would we have those parts then? I don't want to relativise or ignore what my heart or my mind says. For me that would be a disregard of their perfection and completeness. I want to honor my thoughts and feelings.
I kind of wanna write: I want to honor *myself*. I want to esteem *myself*.
But from the perspective of this theory this would be exactly the problem. That is not *me*. *I* am not my feelings or thoughts.
But No! I want to resist that! I don't want to distance myself that much from my thoughts and feelings.
I could become aware of this now and see it as a phase in the process of detaching, where I am aware of the difference and yet not ready/ not willing to give up the identification with those things.
Yeah, I could. But that's is exactly what I do not want.
I don't want to distance myself, I want to experience life! I want to be right in the middle of life. Not just an observer. Not a spectator. Where would be the purpuse? Then I could just as well watch TV all day long. No. I want to be the protagonist of my life!
I understand that sometimes I can need a little distance to have an overview. To see the bigger picture. Otherwise the red button right in front of my face is so big that I can only see it and nothing else anymore. That all the diverse possibilities, which I would have seen from a greater distance, stay hidden.
But looking at it all only ever from afar deprives us of so much. All the little details, the density of experience. The intensity.
Yes, in the end it is about intensity.
Sometimes it needs a little less intensity to be able to deal with a situation. Or it needs the overview.
And sometimes we can also choose to go right in and experience life with all its intensity.
Because I am okay with seeing emotions like anger or envy as simply information that want to tell me something. But the happiness or love I may experience, I want to feel them just as what they are!
Choose yourself. How much intensity do you want? How much do you need? How much can you handle?
We can choose what we want, as long as we stay responsible for ourselves and own our choices.
Write a comment